I ruined so many good songs for myself by making them my alarm clock sound
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Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
Some of you wonder how I’m still married, pfft you should wonder how I got married in the first place.
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
“What’s this switch for?” he asked.
“No idea,” she said. She flipped it on. Off. “Nothing?”
Somewhere, a writer had an idea. Then lost it.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Last words: “Oh, you’re not the same lion I pulled a thorn from your paw, are you?
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
I need my next partner to be absolutely looney tunes for me. Like, heart exploding from chest, tongue rolling out into a carpet, bonking themselves on the head with a hammer when they see me until little birds circle them, etc etc