why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
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they shouldn’t make rare paintings “priceless” – they should give them a price. that way if they’re stolen, the thief has a number to go with when selling the rare paintings
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Pilot: “What does this button do?”
*intercom turns on*
Pilot: “Doesn’t do anything. Not sure what any of these buttons do.”
Facebook Mom: OMG I can’t believe my kid is a high schooler now
Me: me too, he was quite stupid
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
MMA – where men fight other men in their underpants.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
Me: look, I’m just saying if Superman could move faster than light, then he didn’t need to change in a phone booth
Her: you’re like the opposite of joy
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
[my 1st day as spelling bee host]
your word is policy
“can you use it in a sentence”
um i think hes an undercover cop, he looks a bit policy
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.