this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
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Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
You guys realize St. Valentine was beheaded, right?
Somewhere in an alternate universe
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
Breaking news:
Kindly respect my midwestern lifestyle and do not make any crude or irreverent jokes at this time.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’m into this
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.