Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
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A true Columbus Day sale in a mattress store would mean all the merchandise is infested with smallpox
I bet Stephen King’s kids aren’t afraid of shit.
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
Parents would stop celebrating thier children’s first steps if they knew what was about to go down after they master that shit
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.