Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
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[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
CROCODILE: Your shoes are gross
ME [looks down at my green crocs] uh yeah. They’re horrible
CROCODILE: Have they got a name?
ME: what
CROCODILE: What do you call them?
ME: uh
CROCODILE: SAY IT
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
I once dated a girl so my pet rock wouldn’t be embarrassed after he threw himself at her window.
WIFE: [walks in on me trying on Victoria’s Secret] OMG
ME: It’s not what you think! [shows receipt] They were on sale
WIFE: Oh thank God
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
If I could have immunity to anything I would pick calories
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
If using your 4yo as a remote control to fetch things makes you a bad parent, then I’m a bad parent…
A bad parent with an ice cold beer.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
“Yes, I remember you saying” – Translation: Please stop saying that
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.