If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
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The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?
me: my ex’s heart
interviewer:
me:
interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!
I’m young, but not “know exactly why I came into this room” young.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
2/22/22 was created by Big 2 to sell more 2s.
At the intermission of musicals there should be a very short football game
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Do you sell bloodpants?
“Nope”
Shitpants?
“Nope”
Droolpants?
“Nope”
Sweatpants?
“Right this way…”
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
taking June’s advice to heart
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
IF A CAN OPENER DOESN’T WORK IS IT CALLED A CAN’T OPENER
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
#SaturdayBears
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car