*everytime I introduce dad*
this is the man who’s not proud of me
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What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Before I get out of an elevator, I hug every single person in there with me and whisper in their ear “You’ve taught me so much.”
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 24 years. I think they can’t find me.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
[fancy restaurant]
me: this has a fine oaky taste
sommelier: sir is eating the cork
Girl on Facebook
Heyy i have not seen u since high school.
Me. It’s been a while.
Her. Yea been married 6 years now : )
Me. Unfriend