The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
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I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
7y.o: “Mom, what do you want for Mother’s Day?”
Me: “Sleep.”
7: “Haha, no seriously, Mom; something REAL.”
Exactly.
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again
ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
Best table by far
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
My 12 wakes up, showers, changes into another pair of PJ’s and starts playing PS4. He has no idea how jealous I am.
*my tweet gets 1,000 likes* My wit is classic, timeless, adored by all
*my tweet gets 4 likes* My wit is clever, genius, understood by few
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
[first day as a vampire]
*squirts ranch on your neck*
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
Snapes on a plane.
Coworker left himself signed in to LinkedIn and now his skills include “mouth breathing”.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.