I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
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Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
A friend sent me this.
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
DATE: Do you like sports?
ME: *nervously* Sure.
DATE: What’s your favorite sport?
ME: *panicking* Panicking.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
“Can you delete that photo of me? It looks EXACTLY the way I look in real life.”
-People
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
“Nope, it needs more vowels”
– Hawaiians
“Mom, I’m in Season 3 of The Leftovers! It will be the fifth episode.”
“David, I’m so proud of you! What’s the role?”
*David hangs up*
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
I have pictures of random children in my house. When my kid misbehaves I gently remind him of the brothers & sisters that came before him that are no longer part of the family.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
I keep hearing that my picky eater will eventually grow out of this phase but my husband is 43 now and I’m starting to lose hope
Someone just asked me to fax them my email address. Careful driving folks, these people walk amongst us…