WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
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Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
3 y/o, sobbing : I’VE JUST SWALLOWED MY SUPERMAN TOY!
Me: Ok calm down. I know exactly what you’ve got to do.
3 y/o: what?
Me: You’ve got to search for the hero inside yourself.
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.
“Treat her like a princess” everybody said.
Then they get mad when I marry her off to a cousin from a neighboring country for political gain.
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?
NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-
INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
What’s the most unhinged reply you’ve gotten on here because once I retweeted someone who said garbage dumps should have viewing windows for kids to watch and someone said that was dangerous because the kids might see discarded body parts serial killers threw away in the trash
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?
My kid wanted to watch something scary, so I had her watch the cashier ring up our groceries.
Lance isn’t a common name now, but in Medieval times guys were named Lance a lot.
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie