Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
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You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
Nothing like the dreaded “Mom I missed the bus” text to get you up and moving.
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I’m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
When you realize Christmas and easter take place in the same universe..
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this