Went to the farmers market this morning but they didn’t have any farmers I liked
You Might Also Like
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
Donuts are beautiful creatures and they deserve their own week on the nature channels.
coworker: you’re 37? you look younger
me: i let a demon possess me in exchange for external youth
coworker: ha ha *leaves*
demon inside me: you gotta stop saying that someone’s gonna believe you
me: meh. i’m going to the break room for a donut
demon: ooo get a maple bar
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
Me, having lobster for dinner: This is delicious
LOBSTER: *wiping gravy off chin* Yes it is, thank you for inviting me
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
If you can’t handle me at my fattest, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me if I ever lose weight. Which could happen, you don’t know.
[making out after date]
Her: Should we go back to your place?
Me: *kisses her* …I’m not ready for you to meet my parents yet
A spider crawled out of the head of broccoli I was washing and that’s what I get for not ordering pizza
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you