IF YOU THINK IM GONNA SMILE BECAUSE IT REQUIRES FEWER MUSCLES YOUVE GOT ANOTHER THING COMING. NO OFF DAYS, WELCOME TO FROWN TOWN, BABY
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‘Ugh you never let me get ANYTHING!’
-my 5 year old holding a balloon, cotton candy, and two packs of sparklers.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
[In a warehouse]
Murderer: I’m gonna get you!Me: *echoing from hidden location* Hi, “gonna get you”, I’m Dad!
Murderer: What the… where are you?
Me: Did you look under there?
Murderer: Under whe-Hey!
Me: *whispering* Super lame murderer says What.
Murder: What- Damn it!
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
Me: tries to sleep
Brain:
M:
B:
M:
B:
M:
B: if one synchronized swimmer drowns do the others have to drown too?
[Snake Owners Club]
Thanks for coming. A reminder, stuffing an animal into a sock does NOT make it a snake.
[Me & like 3 other guys leave]
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Facebook is terrific way to connect with classmates who haven’t aged as well as you.
me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.