Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
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taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
Me: I think I broke my arm. Take me to the hospital.
That one friend: I’ll make you a tincture with frankincense & eucalyptus. Then grind some Spanish moss and nettles in my mortar and pestle. You’ll be right as rain.
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Him: You’re some eye candy.
Me: Yeah! A Sour Patch.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…