I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
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I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
at my age not even the shower wants to see me naked
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
My toddler woke me up last night to tell me it wasn’t morning yet, which to be honest is the same level of hard hitting journalism cable news provides.
I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it. Well maybe not to the death, I have this thing on Wednesday. But I’ll give an accurate description of your assailant to the police. Over the phone. I’m not leaving a name.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
Extremely relatable.
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Her (is a hockey player): I scored two goals in the first, and one in the third!
Me: Nothing in the second?
Her: No, I skipped a period.
Me:
Her:
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
“What’s that?”
A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in and I’m a little bit closer to freedom.
*puts in dollar* “WTH!?!”
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids