me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
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[breakfast in hell]
STALIN: Toast is burnt
POL POT: Eggs are rotten
HITLER: I hate the juice
STALIN: Oh here we go
HITLER: I said JUICE
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
“dress for the job you want”
There’s a job you want???
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
🙄😏😂🤣
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
just leave it at the foot of the bed
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”