Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
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I don’t know what to say to a woman when she is angry, but it’s definitely not, “Whatever, Pippi Wrongstocking.”
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
Both my wife and I work from home. She treats me as a colleague despite us doing completely different roles in very different industries. She keeps bouncing ideas off me to which I nod along helpfully. No idea what she’s talking about.
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
Batman: Life isn’t a video game. Your actions have consequences
*Robin writes ‘I’m sorry I forgot to buy Charmin®’ 100 times on Batpaper*
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
Are these grass-fed oranges?
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows