All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
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Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
[Airplane]
Me (pointing excitedly) “Hey honey! Look at those people down there. They look like ants!”
My wife (whispering): “Shh. What are you talking about? We haven’t even taken off yet”
Half-human/half-ant family at the back of the plane (muttering): “What a rude man”
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Me: I’d like to read a comedy by Shakespeare
Librarian: which one?
Me: William
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
May 2020
STING: *reads about murder hornets*[applies for name change]
June 2020
STING: *reads about the police*[leaves the country]
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Wife: I want you to rake the yard today.
Me: Consider it done.[later]
Wife: I thought you were going to rake?
Me: I thought you were going to consider it done?