In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
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How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
My dream of making Playboy gone, so my best bet is National Geographic photographing me naked, carrying water on my head.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running