DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
You Might Also Like
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
I just asked my kids to jump into a bubbling magma pit.
Just kidding, I asked them to eat the dinner I cooked for them, but their reaction fits that magma scenario
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
I’m not flirting, I’m being friendly.
*gets on knees and undoes your belt*
* hears opportunity knocking
* chooses cheese instead
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
liiiiiiiiike
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”
🖤✌🏽
[walking dog in park]
girl: “awww, he’s cute.. whats his name?”
dog: “keith”
[me and the dog high five]
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.