“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
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Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
There is no “five second rule”…
Just a “shame-to-hunger” ratio.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
*gets up off bed*
*puts pants back on*
Oh…so you…you wanted ACTUAL tacos then?
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
“We’ve got to stop meeting like this,” I say to the neighbor’s cute golden retriever after climbing the fence to pet him.
The neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the creepy guy & I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
Fun prank – this Christmas leave a charred skeleton wearing a Santa hat in the fire place for your kids to find.
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Me: Birds are SO SMART, they fly in formation to conserve energy.
Birds: Look at this idiot, shit on him.
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I’ve always loved Batman cause I also blame my entire personality on my parents.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my sleeve and points at my arm] This one is of Alcatraz.
Why my coworker hates me:
He sends meeting invite for 2pm.
I propose new time of 2:03.
He revises, sends update.
I decline meeting.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: But i thought we were happy
Her: You’d rather make stuffed animals out of pastries than spend time with me
Me: You leave eclair bear out of this
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.