[at the mall]
Woman: I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?
Security: sure what’s his name?
Woman: Xander
Security: yeah see that’s probably why he ran off
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I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
Me: WHY DID YOU EVEN COME HERE IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO BE WITH ME!!
Him: Ma’am please just take your pizza.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
This is amazing.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
My favorite holiday drink is the Little Drummer Boy. It’s one part rum, three parts pum.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
I suppose I should be thankful that I’m a single adult. Life would be much more complicated if I were multiple adults.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I keep a knife in my Bible so if someone wants to kill me, I ask to read it & when I get to the 6th Commandment, I stab them in the face.
Since instagram is down I’m not sure if there was a sunrise today or if anyone ate any food? I feel lost.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.