Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
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Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
4 y/o: What’s your job?
Me: I stay at home, take care of you, clean, cook the food…
4: That sounds boring. Do you want me to fire you?
Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
Just went to the water fountain at this IKEA, only to find 2 hydrogen fountains and an oxygen fountain.
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
*aggressively waits in line*
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
Print is alive and well!!!
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
The hardest part of the day after running a marathon is finding ways to work it into every single conversation you have.