I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.
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[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Just once I’d like to hear a doctor say, “Your guess is as good as mine.”
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up
Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
One of my boys just hit me with a “who’s all there” text so now I’m in the club taking attendance like an overwhelmed substitute teacher
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
BOSS: Can we meet in 20 minutes?
ME: Can it wait until tomorrow?
BOSS: Sure. Busy day?
ME: (pauses video of a dog playing in crunchy leaves) Yes.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
We had half a cake left from my husband’s birthday and my mother-in-law said I should wrap it and put it in the freezer for later, as if we’re not planning to eat the other half for breakfast tomorrow.
My husband took the kids to brunch so I’m gonna get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
Not surprised to find out I’ve lost my job at the graffiti removal company. The writing’s been on the wall for a while now.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH