Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.
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“I’m gonna find whoever stole the wheels off my car”, I said tirelessly
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
same energy
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
I may have told my children they can get whatever they want at the store but I have the right as their mother to veto the first 864 things they pick out.
Because you know I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble. I’m all about that data, ‘bout that data. No trouble.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
Recycling bottles.
Pre Covid: These aren’t all mine, I had a party, honest
Covid: I didn’t have a party, I swear, I’m just an alcoholic
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Who ya gonna believe babe… me or some random police report.
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
Well, actually, FBI is not an acronym; it’s an initialism, because you can’t pronounce it as a word.
Mom: This is why you have no friends.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.