“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
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zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
Look lady, I’m sure your Onlyfans is nice but let’s wait until this funeral is over to talk about it.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Babies are like Starbucks because they’re expensive as shit and yet you still forget them on the roof of your car
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
[driving on familiar, wide back roads with one car every hour or so]
Daughter (11): can we please pull over so I can pet that pony?
Me: ok, fine
SO: don’t get bit!
Son (11): [quickly gets his seatbelt off and opens his door] I’m just getting out to see her get bit!
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.
No one warned me that my teens can be royally pissed off with each other, but that will not stop them from missing an opportunity to collectively be mad at me.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
The fastest way to break your favorite mug is to say “I love this mug”.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: …
Me: …
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
*walks away*
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
PER MY LAST EMAIL
Imagine going to the gym and there’s someone on the treadmill on all fours galloping
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR