I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
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All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Honey, I gained weight to prevent women from hitting on me. You think I want to look like this? I do this for you.
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
If you hold a warm baked potato it feels like you’re holding someone’s hand without having to touch anyone.
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
My therapist insisted i try something new each week…
…so i haven’t paid her
Now we wait…
I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.