*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
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my anaconda don’t want none unless you got all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed BUN HUN
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
How about daylight saves us for once
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
God: *inventing the elephant* let’s just move all the dials to maximum and see what happens
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
[Walks up to stranger]
Me: “Excuse me, would you take my picture?”
Him: “Sure.”
Me: “Great!”
[I hand him a beautiful 5×7 portrait of me]
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.
won’t smith
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Me: happy valentines day
Neil Degrasse Tyson: *slaps heart-shaped box out of my hands* an actual heart is shaped nothing like that
[at the planetarium standing next to a cutie]
ME: (pretends hand is telephone) yes hello NASA is my new space rocket ready thanks please
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
Don’t interrupt me while I’m embarrassing myself