I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
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Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I drove by two different First Baptist churches today.
One of them is lying.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
nobody is putting drugs in your kids halloween candy. tell them to get jobs and buy their own.
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Please tell me there’s a veterinary text on ruminants called Graze Anatomy
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Lovely walk round Fitzrovia led me to a kindred spirit.
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.