Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
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me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
*runs into san francisco restaurant* THE KALE WASN’T LOCALLY SOURCED
*sound of 100s of ubers smashing into each other outside restaurant*
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
[crane rental company]
Customer: *holding 25-pound bird* what the hell is this
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
My wedding will be open casket.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
Uber: *text* It’s your Uber driver. I’m outside of the bank
Me:*texting back* Nobody move! Put the money in the bag!
Uber: What?
Me: Lol srry had talk to text on. Be right out
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
my student loan account is locked for an hour bc i entered my password wrong twice. who the hell do they think is trying to break in and pay my loans for me. why would i want to prevent that. Pleas let them in
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Romeo and Juliet is a story about two teenagers who save themselves a lot of trouble by avoiding marriage