So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
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Batman: Damn! Someone needs me!
Date: That’s not the bat signal!
Batman:
Date:You’re just doing shadow puppettry on the wall with your hands
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Men statistically have larger brains than women, which is why men are usually smarter and elephants rule us all from their laser-hovercraft
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
somethings never fade away, like a memory of your first dog, or that line on your stomach after you sit for too long.
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
Waiter: How did you find your meal, sir?
Me: Yeah, it was nice.
Waiter: That’s not what I meant and you know it.
Me: Another waiter told me where you hid it.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
Respect
Trebek: This aromatic drink shares its name with a letter of the English alphabet
Other contestants: *trying to ring in*
Me: [triumphantly] What is pee?
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Me: At work, I’m always the smartest person in the room
Friend: You teach first grade
I took my family out to an authentic Chinese restaurant. My wife and I had chow mein and my daughter built 3 iPhones
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
Ambivalence is me knowing that I gotta fit into this bridesmaid’s dress but also that these ice cream flavors mix really well together.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?