“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
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[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
– Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
Got out of the shower this morning and went to put my Fitbit back on, the screen said “looking good.” Was more than a bit unsettling since I was naked. 😳👀
[speaking at funeral]
Deceased’s brother: there’s no words to describe the anguish we all feel right now
Me: what about ‘anguish’?
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
BRAKING NEWS!!
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know