I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
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I’m just playing devils avocado here
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
People who think being an aunt is some kind of “easy,” fun, responsibility-free way to spend time with kids REALLY do not understand how hard it is to open a child-locked drawer
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*
5 year old: No it isn’t
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
Her: Hi hun.
Atilla: [under breath] I told you not to call me that in front of the men. It might stick.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Pretty proud of myself. I made copies of all the blank white printer paper at work. Doubled our supply for free. Can’t wait to tell my boss.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
Had pizza for every meal, just one piece. Breakfast, lunch, snack, dinner. Four pieces total, but I’m 700 calories over budget which makes me want to eat the other four.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?