“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
You Might Also Like
That’s amazing.
[Tour of an olive oil factory]
Guide: This is where we squash the olives.[Tour of a baby oil factory]
Guide: You don’t want to go in there
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
When my wife wanted to have a second child – her exact words were “it’s just rinse and repeat”.
To this day that’s still the funniest joke she’s ever told.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
COP: Describe the robber to our sketch artist
ME: He had one eye higher than the other and his lips on his forehead
PICASSO: I got this
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
“What if we put wheels on this toilet?”
*inventor of the RV
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
*Showing Pet Sematary to 6yo daughter
“Anyway, this is what happens to kids who don’t learn how to spell.”
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
What my back needs
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.