Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
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I saw my dog eat yellow snow this weekend… and I’d still take her advice before yours.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
robber: give me all the cheddar or i’ll shoot
me: here take my wallet i don’t want trouble
robber: no i just need cheese for my ham sandwich
me: what do you think is in my wallet
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
just because it’s a bad idea doesn’t mean that it ain’t gonna be a hell of a lot of fun
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
My husband and I had a few cocktails while we were out shopping and don’t remember what we bought the kids. I’m so excited to see what we got them on Christmas morning.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening