A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
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if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Yoga Matt
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
My neighbor Totoro just planted like five hundred trees overnight. Big mistake pal. Prepare to face the full wrath of the homeowners association.
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I’m not sure what my husband is planning on doing for me on Mother’s Day but I hope it’s laundry.
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
As moms, we make decisions to keep our kids healthy. Like drinking this entire bottle of wine so that my teenager can live another day.
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Me: sobbing in the shower
Everyone else on the Bath aisle at Home Depot: eerily quiet
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
“Remember those funny tweets about Keith? And, the Chad jokes? Haha! They were great! We should do those again. Right, guys? Guys?”
– Karen