When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
You Might Also Like
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
Wife: We’re going to have a baby!
Friend: Wow congrats! Are you going to find out what it is?
Me: I already googled and it’s a very tiny human
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Attention & Pizza are best enjoyed, undivided!
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
I can still taste the cardamom pod I accidentally chewed in that pilau rice in 1989.
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
*sticks hand into jean pocket*
Aw damn, why in the hell do I have bbq sauce in my pocket?
*checks other pocket and finds nuggets*
Oh, ok.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
4: mom was i in your tummy?
me: yep!
4: who is in there now?
me: no one
4: then why is it so big?
husband: oh no
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Writing, She Murdered.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
“I don’t think Gay Guys should be able to get abortions”
-Me when someone asks me a question that I don’t know the answer to.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.