Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
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Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
“If anyone happens to see a common field mouse run by in a Hot pink sweater, please disregard.”
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Son:Dad’s trick or treating as a ghost in a bed sheet?
Wife:& heels,eye patch & his hand stuck in a Nutella jar. More like a ghost on ambien
I just walked into my room holding the remote and a glass of chocolate milk and I meant to toss the remote into my bed but instead I tossed the glass of chocolate milk onto my bed
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
With the amount of times I lick the spoon while cooking, I might as well tongue kiss each guest upon arrival
No one comes over anymore :/
If dogs have taught me anything, it’s that barking is a GREAT way to get rid of people you don’t want to speak to. Works for me EVERY TIME.
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
Optimus Prime: The Decepticons are fast approaching. They seek to destroy us.
Optimist Prime: Maybe they just want to say hello
Optometrist Prime: Cover one eye and shout out the big ones
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit