5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
*cuts off ear* It’s Gogh time.
BRUCE LEE: Be formless, shapeless, like water.
HARPER LEE: Things are never as bad as they seem.
PARSLEY: I am a stalk vegetable.
The guy who pumped our septic tank said everything was good & I felt the same accidental pride that I feel when the dental hygienist says my teeth are ok.
i now pronounce you bounced.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel
At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
Patient: Doc, my stomach is killing me.
DR DOG: *scratches chin* Have you tried eating grass?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I can’t stand fake people.
Unless you’re with me and we are faking that we are sober for a cop.
Then you need to be Oscar winning fake.
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
After a blazing row with the girlfriend, we agreed there’d be makeup sex on date night, but I turned up in full Joker face paint and am now single again.
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.