My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
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I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
I thought it was “it takes two to make a dingo ride”.
And then “it takes two to make it out of sight”….ON the dingo.
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
When you try jalapeños for the first time
Wife [knocking on bathroom door]: hurry up, we’re meeting my parents in 10 minutes
Me [stepping into bath holding a toaster]: almost ready
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
If you’re not carrying around matchbooks from places you’ve been recently I don’t know why you don’t want your murder to be solved
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
I got soap in my shower beer again.
If by speaking Spanish you mean speaking in English but slower and louder, then yes, I speak Spanish.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Dentist: I’m going to take your tooth out
Me: Ok then
[later that evening]
Dentist: Well this is nice
My tooth: I’m having a lovely time
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
This guy must be getting annoyed by now
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
Things Ted Cruz and I have in common:
1. Love butter
2. Shy eyes
3. Resurrected from the grave during satanic bloodmoon ritual
4. Brown hair