a former teacher who loved saying “lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine” just reached out to me about getting comp tickets to a show of mine because she didn’t realize it would sell out.
wellllllllllllllllllllll well well well WELL.
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Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
smartest karate player in the world
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
Therapist: Do you think it’s ok to cry?
Me: Sure. Like if you have to go to Costco on a Saturday.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
Happy thanksgiving
me: *nervously approaching printer* h-hey there little guy.. kinda in a rush to print something
my printer: *territorial printer noises*
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this