My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
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I was going to fake my own death but I didn’t want to have to start a new Twitter account from scratch.
COP: Are you armed?
ME: *extremely good at talking myself into a beating* I’m armed and legged.
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
Apparently it’s “not normal” to ask a guy his blood type or how healthy his organs are
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
[At Justice League headquarters]
Batman: Alright, everyone. Rent’s due. I have my share, obviously. Hows everyone else paying?
Superman: [signs over a paycheck from The Daily Planet]
The Flash: [runs to the ATM]
Aquaman: [dumps a pile of fish on the table]
Batman: WTF dude
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
I hate when idiots are like “Just punch a shark in the nose and he’ll leave.” Yea, just punch a submerged 2 ton killing machine in the nose.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.
Police sketch artist: Two criminals? But you’ve just described a vase
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.