Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
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Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
flight: scheduled to depart at 3 pm
my parents at 4 am:
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Having multiple kids is weird. You have one kid you could trust to be home alone for a whole weekend & you know they’d eat vegetables, lock the doors, & wash the dishes.
Then you have another kid who is not allowed to hold an umbrella.
And they’re almost the same age.
When mad at the hubby, I just tweet about it. I don’t sleep with a waitress that looks just like him. I’m talking to you David Arquette.
Preorder now! Though I have nothing for sale, it’s always good to preorder.
The general rule is that you shouldn’t ride an elevator during a fire, but I mean, talk about a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity
“Diarrhea” isn’t my official safe word but I guarantee you’ll stop whatever you’re doing if I scream it during sex.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
I remember when asking someone if they were on X meant something completely different.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
[God making African animals]
Screw it. Just put stripes on a horse, make that water lizard really big, and put spots on a really tall deer.
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!