Never read To Kill a Mockingbird. Is that the one where Katniss admits she loves Peta?
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How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
The most important aspect of opening a Chinese restaurant is hiring a good chicken to fry the rice.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
I don’t wear a watch because my inner 3yo thinks nothing exists until I get there.
All I’m saying is when I’m drunk in the backyard I still put my shirt on just like everyone else, one leg at a time…
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
it’s called “no YOU were supposed to pay the electric bill”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
forrest gump (1994): this film gave me very unrealistic expectations of what my life would be like as a huge idiot. 2/10
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
my son and I came up with this joke during our walk and we decided to tweet it…
Pirated iPhones get bug fixes via an iPatch
Doctor: Have often do you have sex?
Me: Once or twice
Doctor: A week?
Me: I’ve answered, let’s move on
God inventing people:
Put a cap on the tip of their fingers for protection, because they will hit their fingers with a hammer, you know what let’s confuse the shit out of them and call it a nail too
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
A friend sent me this.
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
Am I pissed my dad’s been gone for 25 years going to the store for “cigarettes”? Probably not as pissed as he is. The line must be out of control.
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes