to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
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REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far theyâve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no itâs as Iâve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
If you like piĂąa coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
person texting me: hey I’m outside
me: [covered in glue and accidentally tripping onto a pile of several thousand photos of you] uh HANG ON
Therapist: itâs not real. you have to stop deluding yourself
Me: no I really am a gryffindor I swear
Therapist: abbie, we both know youâre a hufflepuff
So who WERE Huey, Dewey and Louie’s parents, anyway? And why did they let them spend so much time with their insane, pantsless uncle?
I’ve never used survival skills while lost on a hike in the woods, but once I ate 3 Snicker’s Bars trying to find my way out of a Walmart.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. Iâd scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to countđ
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? Itâs a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how thereâs three zeros after that decimal point but whateveâŚ
Oh
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
you couldâve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i wouldâve never landed on âdua lipa and trevor noah are datingâ
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, âI have no idea where the item youâre looking for is, but I really do hope you find itâ.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
thanksgiving in nutshell
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
If I text you and you immediately call me, thatâs entrapment.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
I tink there’s a deal going down in your backyard!
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]