*On a 1st date*
Me: Psst, you can hold my hand if it gets too scary for you đ
Them: We’re having a picnic
Me: *suspiciously glaring at a nearby squirrel* I said what I said
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I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
âI want you inside me,â I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
i’ve had this nightmare before đą
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
Godzillaâs attack on Tokyo was revenge for the hours he wasted watching Dragonball GT disgrace the legacy of Dragonball Z.
My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I donât have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
My son told me thereâs a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & itâs probably him
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling âOh HELL noâ off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.â
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Conflicts may arise but always remember to be the bitter person.
Imagine burning sage and passing out because youâre the bad energy
“Hi I’m looking for a birthday card for my mom’s sister”
*hands you an extremely small card*
“WHAT IS THIS A CARD FOR AUNTS”
Yes
“Perfect”
Apparently in my absence my husband has hung cat-level wall art. So sophisticated đ§
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they arenât
Me: Iâm not interested then
HR said no more nunchucks.
Normalise saying âbetter you than meâ to people who keep complaining about everything.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
7: so those people think belle is weird because sheâs walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least sheâs pretty right?
me: …letâs watch moana instead
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when theyâll be taken from you.
Me: Youâre absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”