Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
*Approaches girl at bar*
Brain: Say you like her eyes. No, hair. Actually, go for eyes!
Me: You have lovely hairy eyes
Brain: My bad.
He just like my cat fr
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t funHow’s your summer going?
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
[shark tank]
ME: it’s a belt with a clock on it
SHARK: this is a waste of time
ME: *waist
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise