Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
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*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
If you want some alone time, tell your husband that you’re going to watch the Bachelor. Even if you’re not.
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
They say children are our future, but when the wifi went out and my son didn’t know how to turn off a lamp, I’m not so sure about this.
“Is it pronounced NEEL-ism or NIAL-ism?”
“It doesn’t matter”“Nothing matters….”
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
I have a magical ability to render my daughter instantly and completely deaf by simply saying the word “bedtime.”
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
9 has decided to write a book called “True facts about idiot humans”
And I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t worried about her source of information
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
I bet kids who live in volcanoes pretend the floor is carpet
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us