[police show picture of my dead body at bottom of stairs to wife]
“Why no pants on?”
We think he tried to jump into his pants & fell
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So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Oatmeal shouldn’t get to have the word “meal” in it. How about oatsnack? Or oatbullshit?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
the answer was staring at me all along
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.
I take comfort in the fact that my neighbour will probably die before me. I’ll be at his funeral, leafblowing through the entire ceremony.
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Pros of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
Cons of a minivan: It can fit 5 kids.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping