Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
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[Dog yoga class]
Teacher: Alright, let’s go into downward human pose
[Dogs hunch over and start pretending to text]
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Me, hands in the air: woo! SHOTS SHOTS SHOTS.
My doctor: *rips up prescription she just wrote for codeine cough syrup
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
She has a weimerhi…wimerrihym….wimmerhie…
She has a big gray dog.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
[halloween]
ME: nice costume. casanova?
HIM: guy fawkes
ME: {high-fiving} hell yeah he does
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Harry Potter: A Shortened Version
Voldemort: I must kill Harry Potter.
Everyone else: Lol, no.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
Yoga class
*sniff sniff*
“Someone stinks of 11 herbs and spices”Embarrassed chicken closes her legs